My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.