Sounds like a bargain
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.