[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*