My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Choose your fighter
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Ok but actually
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.