A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.