Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
this is literally a CIA plant
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you