The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Nice try Hitler
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.