I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
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12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.