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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
RT if you could go either way.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.