My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
real
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?