her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Flowers bee like
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”