inventing words: clothing
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Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
broke down and did it
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.