The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
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*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
According to math, I’m broke
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Raisins are grape jerky.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.