holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Sign at work today
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign