The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go