A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I only treason on days ending in y
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light