During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Encore…
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system