I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
The glory of fall.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff