*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground