what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Britain be like
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
forgive me baja for i have blast
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.