People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
New comic up. “Ransom”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
this FaceApp is creepy af
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again