Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
You Might Also Like
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
SCARY COSTUME
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.