What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
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I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!