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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads