Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
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how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Don’t talk down to me
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.