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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
The options really are this bad
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?