Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
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Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
it was love at first sight
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY