The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”