SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
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If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
This could’ve been an email.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.