Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*