My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Thursday
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Good advice.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.