Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
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Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads