found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this