Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Covid like
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Hot hot hot 🥵
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.