Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
seems fine
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*