Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Sorry I made promises on Friday