Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
You Might Also Like
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…