Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
You Might Also Like
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.