Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My favorite female superhero
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?