My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My inexpensive home security system…
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Become ungovernable.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.