Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Crying is a sign of leakness.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil