When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
You Might Also Like
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then