I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?