6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
*exercises sarcastically*