The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]