I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
You Might Also Like
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I’m too immature for adultery.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground