Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.