me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
You Might Also Like
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
umm…
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate