The second world war should have been called world war returns
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So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
*puts my mental health in rice
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.