What the hell happened in there??
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* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight